Out of the Silence

It’s been a long silent while since I’ve sat down to write and reflect. I was tempted to pull out an older journal to copy an unshared story to remember some things in my life before death knocked on our door. I say the word “knocked” as if death itself is polite, kind and thoughtful. But it’s not. It comes much too soon, too suddenly, and at other times not soon enough in the agony that it prescribes.

It’s been 14 months (May 1, 2015) since my daddy died from stage 4 lung cancer. Add an extra 5 days (April 27, 2015) to that to commemorate the death of my second dad (AKA Jay) who suffered from cardiac arrest and stayed in a medical coma for a week until he was taken off life support.  Then two months later, my grandmother died of Alzheimers…And to finish 2015 out, we put our ailing beloved family pet of 14 years down in December…Death didn’t knock really. Death assaulted, maimed and hijacked our family! We didn’t really have a game plan or strategy in preparing for its realities or for the aftermath. It’s like we all just scrambled around to readjust to a different kind of normal--but what's normal anyway? For a long while life has been a fog of mere existence of just doing the next thing…whatever that next thing is.  

The common ideology when we are in grief is not to make any big decisions during the first year after such great loss. We didn’t follow the rules! We couldn’t! Life continues on like tidal waves thrusting you forward or pulling you under its unforgiving watery rush. As my daddy lay dying, our third child had to choose his college for the May 1st deadline. What a tough decision to face while saying goodbye to his Grandpa. His Opa had just died on this same son's 18th birthday! And both of these incredible men missed his graduation speech. He carried a rock and keychain in his pocket that evening as he spoke-each a token representation. That's a lot for an 18-year old to handle and it's a lot for this momma to experience too. Sorrow, pride, joy, tears, laughter. All these emotions flooding and swirling all about.

A few months later as we were doing some kitchen counter renovations we were compelled that we were to be moving very soon. We had lived in our home for more than 15 years! We put our house on the market and within three days it had a firm contract on it. By the end of the week we put a contract on another house. In late October we moved and within two weeks our oldest son moved back home. Funny, how we thought he had been launched! With a family of seven, it’s hard to know when the chicks have actually taken complete flight. Had we not moved, we couldn’t have made much room for him though. We've been thankful that we could have him home during his transition from college to graduate school.

Oh, and I failed to mention that I started a new job in August teaching English as a second language to adults, which I almost quit two times before I started. I am thankful that I have a boss/friend who wanted me on the team regardless of my brokenness.   

There have been so many changes in my life. It’s difficult to unpack and explain.

At times I see glimpses of beauty in the midst of this pain. Sudden loss causes
uncomfortable change and reveals broken places in myself and in relationships that have long-needed mending. 

It's amazing how big the gapping holes are revealed when loved ones have left us. Losing my dads makes me feel like an orphan sometimes. I have to be a grown up now whether I want to or not—but I still want to be someone’s little girl twirling and dancing with her daddy, playing “follow the leader” on the beach shore, stilling me during the fierce thunderstorms, and hearing his voice telling me how proud he is of me. 

It’s strange how beauty and sweetness intertwine with tragedy and heartache. Sometimes we’re laughing and next we’re crying. I know there are glimpses of beauty in the midst of pain and loss. My daddy always told me to look for the silver lining in the dark clouds. He was good at seeing beauty. I am thankful for this gift that he gave to me and my children.

 As I pick up this blog again, this is me stepping out of the silence-out of the quiet that seems to have engulfed me, to look for the silver linings, the beauty all around me.

Thanks for reading.

 "Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them."  
-Rose Kennedy

"Just because the process hurts doesn't mean the results won't be beautiful."

-Unknown

 "Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy." 
- Leo Tolstoy


"It's funny how, when things seem the darkest, moments of beauty present themselves in the most unexpected places."
-Karen Marie Moning